The Corporate Language

'We will do it'
means
'You will do it'


'You have done a great job'
means
'More work to be given to you'


'We are working on it'
means
'We have not yet started working on the same'


'Tomorrow, first thing in the morning'
means
'Its not getting done...
At least not tomorrow !'.

The Difference If You Marry A Glasgow Girl

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino.  He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.  The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done,and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Glasgow.

Austrian Joke

An Austrian and travels through Graz with a young chimpanzee. He wants
he wants to go to  a bakery.

He can't bring the animal into the shop, he asks a young German woman
in front of the shop if she would watch the ape while he shops.

She's very happy to do that  and plays with the chimp.

An elderly lady passes by  and asks the young woman. "From whom do you
have the ape?"

Differences Between Men and Women

1. Names:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

4. Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

A drunk walks into a biker bar

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,
looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at the drop of a hat.

April Fools recollection of an old lady

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening,   when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sat down beside me.

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

1. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

2. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road.

3. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times.

4. Your primary gun does not mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

5. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

Only Nice Contact Agreement

I dont know it is true or not. Actually i got it in my Email and i am just going it to share it with you all.

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank.

Husband Wife Funny Talking

Husband: Aaj khane me kya banaogi?
Wife: Jo aap kaho

H: Dal chawal bana lo
W: Abhi kal hi to khaye the

H: to sabji roti bana lo
W: bacche nahi khayenge

H: to chhole puri bana lo
W: mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai

H: eggs bhurji bana lo
W: aaj guruvaar hai

Why I Am Married

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

10 Signs You Really Are Old

1. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
2. Turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
3. You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
4. Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
5. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
6. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
7. A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
8. You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
9. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
10. All the names in your little black book end with MD (mentally deficient).

Funny Interview

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?"
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

HRD Notice of a Company to Employees

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

1) TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

A) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
B) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
C) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

2) ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! Said 1 employee).
- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

3) LUNCH BREAK:
A) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
B) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
C) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

The Most Popular Television Shows of 2010

As the year draws to an end, we look at the most popular Hindi shows on television, that got the maximum TRPs.
Gone are the days when serials went on for years. Today, channels give the producers about three months to shape up or ship out their serials. If a show runs for three months, it is reason enough to pop the champagne. It's not a channel war any more; it is one show versus the other.
Let's take a look at some of the most popular shows of 2010.

1. Uttaran
The Colors show about two childhood friends, Ichcha and Tapasya, who grow apart due to the latter's jealousy and insecurities, has gone from one dramatic episode to another.
From Tapasya taking Ichcha's place in the shaadi ka mandap to marry Veer, to Veer's older brother Vansh's marriage to Ichcha, from his death to Ichcha and Veer finally getting together, and now to Tapasya returning to ruin Veer and Ichcha's happiness yet again, this show has managed to stay afloat and keep the flag high for the channel.

Men & Women

MEN:

1. Most men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

WOMEN:

1. The most important thing for most women is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Some Jokes

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
============================

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
============================

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andrew says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
============================

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Facts About New Year 2011

New Year comes every year but 2011 is a special year
which will happen once in a life time.

It will start with a combo:-
1st of 1/1/11

After 10 days 11/1/11

After 10 months 1/11/11

Then, After 10 days it will be 11/11/11.

Isn’t that fantastic!!!

I wish YOU a wonderful, happy and

Healthy new year .

Marriage Proposal by Software Professional

Dear Ms. ________,

Baby, I ‘v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.
My life is just an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running smoothly and giving expected results. /* Which I never experienced before */.

Top 10 Most Stupid Questions

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations

1. At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...

2. In the bus:A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter..

Career Song - The 8 stages

1. When in college:
Hum honge kaamiyaab, Hum honge kaam iyaab ek din.....

2. When giving interview to Multi National Company:
Tu hi re.. Too hi re ....tere binaaa main kaise jiyunn....

3. Waiting for interview result:
Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki... Aayinaaa kuch khabar mere yaarki....

4. Just joined:
Too cheez badi hai mast mast.....

5. After some time:
Ye kahaan aa gaye hum??

6. After some more time: