Clarity in Communication is So Important

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport

Funny Valentine Quotes

• 'I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.' 

• 'Women are cursed, and men are the proof.' 

• 'Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.'  

• 'Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.' 

• 'My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.'

• 'The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.' 

Amazing one Liners

1. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
2. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
3. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didnt he just buy dinner?
4. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables then what is baby oil made from?
5. If electricity comes from electrons, what does morality come from?
6 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Love Marriage VS Arrange Marriage

Love Marriage: Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.
Arranged Marriage: Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The main object is fixed and various functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted.

Love Marriage: It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain.
Arranged Marriage: Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible.

Top 10 Difference Between Men And Women

The Difference Between Men And Women..?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

The Corporate Language

'We will do it'
means
'You will do it'


'You have done a great job'
means
'More work to be given to you'


'We are working on it'
means
'We have not yet started working on the same'


'Tomorrow, first thing in the morning'
means
'Its not getting done...
At least not tomorrow !'.

Differences Between Men and Women

1. Names:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

4. Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

April Fools recollection of an old lady

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening,   when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sat down beside me.

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

1. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

2. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road.

3. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times.

4. Your primary gun does not mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

5. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

Only Nice Contact Agreement

I dont know it is true or not. Actually i got it in my Email and i am just going it to share it with you all.

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank.

Husband Wife Funny Talking

Husband: Aaj khane me kya banaogi?
Wife: Jo aap kaho

H: Dal chawal bana lo
W: Abhi kal hi to khaye the

H: to sabji roti bana lo
W: bacche nahi khayenge

H: to chhole puri bana lo
W: mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai

H: eggs bhurji bana lo
W: aaj guruvaar hai

10 Signs You Really Are Old

1. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
2. Turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
3. You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
4. Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
5. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
6. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
7. A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
8. You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
9. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
10. All the names in your little black book end with MD (mentally deficient).

Funny Interview

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?"
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

HRD Notice of a Company to Employees

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

1) TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

A) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
B) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
C) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

2) ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! Said 1 employee).
- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

3) LUNCH BREAK:
A) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
B) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
C) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Men & Women

MEN:

1. Most men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

WOMEN:

1. The most important thing for most women is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Marriage Proposal by Software Professional

Dear Ms. ________,

Baby, I ‘v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.
My life is just an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running smoothly and giving expected results. /* Which I never experienced before */.

Top 10 Most Stupid Questions

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations

1. At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...

2. In the bus:A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter..

Career Song - The 8 stages

1. When in college:
Hum honge kaamiyaab, Hum honge kaam iyaab ek din.....

2. When giving interview to Multi National Company:
Tu hi re.. Too hi re ....tere binaaa main kaise jiyunn....

3. Waiting for interview result:
Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki... Aayinaaa kuch khabar mere yaarki....

4. Just joined:
Too cheez badi hai mast mast.....

5. After some time:
Ye kahaan aa gaye hum??

6. After some more time:

Advertisement Letter to your GF

Calling some Sweeties,

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda) , you are my TVS SCOOTY (first love) and my AIWA (pure passion) . I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best) . You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh) feeling for me.

I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ! CALIBE! R (the unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (born tough) , but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS (the coolest ones) . If our fathers say no, we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (let's make things better) .

They will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in COCA-COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye) . Trust in God who's always NOKIA (connecting people) who love each other. And do not forget that we are WILLS (made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (fun fast easy) and PARX (always comfortable) . So never forget me. Ok bye!

I wrote little but actually PEPSI (yeh dil mange more)!!.

Yours

LG (digitally yours).