The Corporate Language

'We will do it'
means
'You will do it'


'You have done a great job'
means
'More work to be given to you'


'We are working on it'
means
'We have not yet started working on the same'


'Tomorrow, first thing in the morning'
means
'Its not getting done...
At least not tomorrow !'.

The Difference If You Marry A Glasgow Girl

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino.  He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.  The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done,and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Glasgow.

Austrian Joke

An Austrian and travels through Graz with a young chimpanzee. He wants
he wants to go to  a bakery.

He can't bring the animal into the shop, he asks a young German woman
in front of the shop if she would watch the ape while he shops.

She's very happy to do that  and plays with the chimp.

An elderly lady passes by  and asks the young woman. "From whom do you
have the ape?"

Differences Between Men and Women

1. Names:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

4. Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

A drunk walks into a biker bar

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,
looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at the drop of a hat.

April Fools recollection of an old lady

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening,   when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sat down beside me.

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

1. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

2. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road.

3. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times.

4. Your primary gun does not mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

5. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.